* NEVADA FITNESS TO OPEN NEW GYM IN BEIJING *
Nevada Fitness is proud to be opening a new location in Beijing. We offer several overpriced membership plans that reflect a lack of competition and have no justification in actual gym facilities.
Our new Beijing gym features approximately 62 workout stations. As in our other locations, workout machines are packed in extremely close proximity to each other, making proper motion of the exercises either impossible or dangerous. Members are encouraged to leave their phones, water bottles and towels on machines they are not using so others can’t exercise.
The barbell rack can hold 30 pairs of barbells ranging from 5 kg. to 40 kg. However the rack is often empty, as weights are usually scattered around the gym because members and staff refuse to re-rack them. When lifting barbells of any weight, members are encouraged to make loud noises like a man giving birth, and then drop or throw the weights onto the floor from a standing position. While this does not result in muscle gain, it does make Beijing gym-goers feel masculine.When lifting barbells of any weight, members are encouraged to make loud noises like a man giving birth, and then drop or throw the weights onto the floor from a standing position. While this does not result in muscle gain, it does make Beijing gym-goers feel masculine.
The new gym is outfitted with a yoga/aerobics room as well as a hot yoga room. The aerobics room has large speakers that blast annoying, workout-disrupting hits like “Macarena,” and a 1998 house remix of the theme song from “Titanic” at distorted, ear-splitting levels during classes. Aerobics instructors have no idea what they are doing, and wear a wireless headset to bark unintelligible, Chinglish-based commands. The hot yoga room is undergoing maintenance and will never open.
Nevada Fitness is proud to be the gym of choice for male steroid users in Beijing. They are easily identified by their bulk and their aversion to weight lifting, and can often be found happily scream-talking with each other across the gym while lounging around on machines other people would like to be using. This would normally be a an impossible combination — big muscles and laziness — were it not for the magic of anabolic steroids.
About a quarter of our members are female. Many are full-time mistresses, and come to the gym to sit on the workout machines while sexting their married boyfriends. These women are attractive by local standards — delicate, pale, and not very smart. They get their awesome bodies not through exercise, but from extended starvation and bulimia. Loud, ridiculous workout attire accentuates their lack of female curves.
The gym features one small air purifier, which sits in the manager’s office unplugged and with the door closed. When pollution in Beijing climbs to over AQI 500, which is regularly, windows in the gym are left open. This is not because our staff are trying to sicken gym members, but rather because they ironically have zero understanding of health.
Lights are left off during the day in order to keep the gym atmosphere dim and dreary.
Our team of nearly 20 personal trainers knows nothing about personal training except that you’re supposed to carry a notebook. As a group, they appear to have never lifted weights or exercised in any way. Many are very skinny. Their “knowledge” comes mainly from poorly translated, out-of-date magazine articles about exercise fads from several years ago.
Male personal trainers will push personalized hands-on stretching regimens on female gym members. These programs almost always involve the male personal trainer “helping” the young woman stretch in Kama Sutra-inspired positions. (Many “stretches” look remarkably similar to “Italian-style” sex or the “Seventh Posture” position as described in Burton’s 1886 translation of “The Perfumed Garden.”) This type of “stretching” is less about loosening up muscles before or after a workout than giving the trainer something to jerk off to later. Predictably, none of the gym’s female personal trainers molest their clients this way, and the male trainers never, ever help other men with this kind of “stretching.”
A wide variety of beverages and training aids are for sale in our lobby, including fake Nestle water, fake Gatorade, and fake Pocari Sweat. A planned juice bar is never open. Free wifi is available within a three-meter radius around the the front desk.A wide variety of beverages and training aids are for sale in our lobby, including fake Nestle water, fake Gatorade, and fake Pocari Sweat. A planned juice bar is never open. Free wifi is available within a three-meter radius around the the front desk.
Locker rooms are humid and foul-smelling. The men’s bathroom has three urinals and four toilet stalls. On a daily basis most or all of the urinals are clogged with urine and will not flush. The toilets are known to, on occasion, flush in the opposite direction, ejecting poop and urine from multiple origins onto members, as happened on February 19, 2014 in another of our Beijing locations at approximately 4:30 p.m. This really fucking happened. A gym member who had paid around USD 1,500 for an 18-month membership was sitting on a toilet in the midst of a bowel movement when the toilet started “gurgling” for no apparent reason. He stood up and saw bubbles rising from the toilet. He attempted to pull up his pants and flee, but the contents of the toilet were suddenly propelled up into the air, covering him. His only option was to proceed to the showers, fully clothed, in an attempt to wash away the piss and shit he was now wearing… This really fucking happened.
Despite several tiny “NO SMOKING” signs, gym staff and members are allowed to smoke in the locker rooms.
In the men’s locker room, members are encouraged to walk around completely naked while scream-talking with each other. Blow dryers are provided for men to dry their balls after showering. We apologize if new members are shocked or nauseated by this common practice, which not only occurs at Nevada Fitness, but also at every other gym in Beijing. Blow-drying one’s balls is of course performed in front of a mirror, completely naked and without shame or embarrassment.
Towels are available for members at the entrance to the locker rooms. Some people may experience a rash shortly after using the towels — this is not a disease, it is merely your body’s reaction to the toxic chemicals used to partially disinfect the towels. Symptoms will usually go away after three or four days.
Should management ever decide to close the gym, members will be notified ahead of time by intense promotion of heavily discounted membership prices. The prices might seem too good to be true, and that’s because they are. When enough new people have signed up for multi-year memberships, the gym will abruptly close. This might seem unfair or even criminal, but it is in fact standard operating procedure in Beijing, as former members of countless other apartment complex gyms can attest to.
Nevada Fitness Beijing should under no circumstances be confused with the way our Hong Kong and Singapore locations are operated, where equipment is properly maintained and staff is familiar with both customer service and personal hygiene.
This post is filled with all real situations and events that have actually happened at Beijing gyms.