This position is based in Beijing and covers the entire China region.

Duties of the Beijing correspondent include writing news and features about political, economic and social issues in China. While most stories could easily be written abroad and will rely on stale wire reports or Google News items, we still require a reporter based in Beijing to appear credible. This could be you, if you are over-confident and skilled in parroting what other journalists are saying about China.

Qualified candidates will:

• Have a minimum of six years experience as a foreign correspondent;
• Know how to install and run a VPN to access Google while in China;
• Know how to navigate the Google News homepage;
• Know how to use Google News to search for recent news stories about China;
• Know how to rewrite stories from Google News so they appear timely and unique, possibly by adding one or two elements plagiarized from other sources.

No Chinese language skills are necessary for this position.

The Beijing Correspondent will work with and abuse a local Chinese news assistant. The Chinese news assistant will have no interest or knowledge of Chinese history or current affairs, and will not be able to generate story ideas. When stories do not work out as planned, the Beijing Correspondent is expected to take it out on the news assistant, primarily through verbal attacks and salary deductions.

Local news assistants will also be on call 24-hours a day to translate to the Beijing Correspondent’s ayi, translate over the phone as the Correspondent orders food in restaurants, and order restaurant deliveries when the Correspondent is working or not working. This is in addition to picking up laundry and creating fake expense receipts at the direction of the Correspondent.

The Beijing bureau is authorized to hire a driver on a per-day basis for official business, but the Correspondent is free to use the driver for personal errands such as picking up relatives at the airport and going shopping, as long as these costs are properly misidentified in expense reports.

Experienced print media writers are preferred, but candidates with a failed background in broadcast journalism will also be considered.

The Beijing Correspondent is encouraged to bring fresh insights to topics and will operate independent of overseas editors. However, the following established guidelines should be adhered to on all stories:

Xi Jinping should be consistently described as a “reformer”. (For examples, see almost anything written by Nicholas Kristof.)

Environmental issues should be handled in the most politically correct, non-alarmist manner possible. China’s environmental devastation should be described with bland, commonplace nouns such as “challenges,” “problems,” and in extremely toxic environments such as so-called cancer villages, as “serious problems.”

Mainland academics should be quoted to give credence to rehashed Google News pieces. Quotes from Mainland academics should be drawn from original interviews (“original interview” is defined as one conducted by the local news assistant with or without the presence of the Correspondent). Quoting university professors is encouraged, but divulging that they are part of an education system that functions solely to support the Party and suppress free-thinking, and are in effect performing intellectual lobotomies on impressionable young robots, is discouraged. (As a rule of thumb, just pretend that Mainland university “professors” are actual professors, and not Party-controlled information officers.)

Anti-corruption drives should not be portrayed as targeted terror campaigns against political enemies of the “princeling” faction of China’s leadership. They should instead be described as a serious attempt to take on a persistent problem which has blah blah blah.

Mainland Chinese culture should be described by stereotypical characteristics such as pandas, calligraphy, Peking opera, vague notions of “family,” and smart-sounding references to unnamed “ancient classics.” Writing about modern Chinese culture should not mention persistent features such as nationalism, greed, corruption, pollution, or frantic immigration abroad.

Candidates with children are welcome to apply, but if successful will be expected to sign a waiver releasing the Company of all liability for permanent lung and brain damage the children will incur from living in Beijing.

Male candidates, both married and unmarried, should note that Maggie’s is only a short walk from the bureau in the Qijiayuan Diplomatic Compound.

Starting salary including benefits is US$89,064* **.

*Salary is comprised of a 2015 standard full-time print journalist salary of US$20,000 annually; an annual “environmental hardship” allowance of US$17,200; and an annual “cultural hardship” allowance of US$51,864.

**The local news assistant will earn a nearly identical figure each year, but with the decimal point moved over one digit to the left.