The internet is bad for you. Admit it. The internet is a endless morass of filth and libel, one cat at a time. *

So when a Fuzhou grandfather-to-be heard his daughter-in-law was pregnant with the miracle of life, he wanted to take all the correct measures to ensure the complete safety of the unborn baby. To ensure the corruptive influence of the internet would not have any impact upon the fetus, the man turned off the internet connection to his entire apartment complex.

The unnamed man that lived on the first floor of a Fuqi Road apartment in the Jin’an District of Fuzhou made numerous requests to his neighbors: don’t speak in public places, not to walk loudly, and to turn off the lights and go to bed at 9pm in order to preserve the silence that all growing babies need.

Mr Zhu, a neighbor that lives on the second floor, had tried to accommodate these requests. But when the main hub for internet connectivity on the first floor was repeatedly turned off for the entire building, Zhu confronted the man.

Mr Zhu explained the man’s motives:

The reason why he did it is because he heard someone say that WiFi is a source of radiation. Since the main internet switchboard is located by his apartment, this contains radiation, and so he needs to have this turned off.

Another case reported recently involved a man knocking on neighbors doors to request them to turn off their WiFi routers so as not to harm his unborn baby. Furthermore, the man wanted to gain entry to his neighbors’ homes so that he can visually confirm that they’ve turned off their blinking lights of doom.

What’s up with all this talk of radiation? Even if WiFi is harmful, what’s the concern over babies?

As any astute watcher of Chinese soap operas will know, pregnant Chinese women are extremely susceptible to miscarriages. Whether it is falling into a lake, off a chair, or on a bar of soap that O’Brian left behind, just about any known phenomenon is liable to cause a Chinese woman to miscarry.

With this in mind, one of the greatest dangers to public health at present in China is radiation. The Fukushima meltdown prompted Chinese consumers to panic purchase salt in droves in the belief it can counteract the effects of radiation. Cacti are commonly placed near computers in China in order to absorb radiation given off from the monitor.

Due to the omnipresent threat of radiation, this is the reason you will often see Chinese women walking around with an apron-like garment (like this one); it isn’t to make them look more domestically-docile, but rather to better protect the fetus from all the deadly radiation that is modern world.

Therefore, the people in these stories are only acting out of the best interests of their unborn babies with the purest of intentions. So just think: every time you go online, you’re hurting someone.

One. Click. At. A. Time.

* Even though the Nanfang is published on the internet, we still recommend the optimal media for reading our blogs to be on leather-bound editions of chiaroscuro.

Photo: Baike