As a native English speaker you probably haven’t noticed it, but there are seven distinct ways to properly convey laughter on the internet. For those of you not in on the downlow, here is a lesson on how to laugh—the Western way.

This lesson by i21st teaches everyone interested in improving their ability to speak on the internet with a “laowai“, as China Daily puts it. It differentiates between the different uses of “Ha” and their respective intensities of laughter. The lesson is as follows, coupled with examples provided by The Nanfang:

Ha: Use when you don’t really find something funny, and you want to make that fact obvious. The lesson points out under normal circumstances you’d use “This is no laughing matter!” and “Was that a joke?”, but that this is another way to convey this sentiment.

No example is provided, but according to the previous rule, it may go something like this:

• Your joke about a crime against humanity is atrocious, ha.
• Ha, the humanity.

Haha: Use when you don’t really find something funny, but you would like to be polite. This is also used to fake a laugh.

Our examples based upon this rule:

• Haha, I laughed, so what about this favor I’d like you to do for me?
• Your children are adorable and look exactly like their father, haha.

Hahaha: use when their text made you smile. This is the equivalent of “It’s so funny.”

Our example based upon this rule:

• Hahaha, my mouth is full of milk.

Hahahaha+: use when you sincerely laughed.

Our examples based upon this rule:

• Hahahaha+, I laughed out loud!
• That drew a sincere and hearty laugh from the bowels of my body, hahahaha+!

HAHA+: one of the few exceptions to the no-caps rule. Use when you find something hysterical. Other expressions used to convey this sentiment is “Laugh our heads off,” and “Laugh like a drain”.

Our example based upon this rule:

• HAHA+, capslock is unable to properly convey the laughter which is seizing control of my body!

LOL: Stands for “laugh out loud”. Use when you want the sincerity of your laughter to be a mystery. Did you really laugh out loud? Nobody knows! You’re so mysterious!

Our examples based upon this rule:

• I’m not telling if I thought that was funny, LOL!
• LOL, I may or may not have found that to be humorous!

So, to recap, here are the lesson’s seven stages of laughter as used by Westerners on the internet:

• Ha: used to dispute
• Haha: fake, used to be polite
• Hahaha: sincere, but not actual laughter; a smile
• Hahahaha+: actual laughter that can be heard
• HAHA+: extreme laughter
• LOL: used to obfuscate your true laughter

We’re all for the accumulation of knowledge by curious Chinese English language learners, but we would think that speaking a language is less about memorizing vocabulary for specific contexts than it is raising one’s comprehension and grammar to allow for conversation in any context. Also, even though acronyms are A-OK, there’s nothing wrong with using English to write out your thoughts, as in “I laughed out loud.”

Still, i21st is very clear in its lesson on these different usages of the word “Ha”, so much so that it provides a clear pictorial example of how to use “Haha”, the term you use when you don’t find something funny, but are still trying to be polite:

The finger pointing is for advanced users.

Photos: i21st, ourcityourart

Those children! While we can’t stay mad at such innocent precociousness, there’s a valuable lesson to be learned here in trying to better take care of one’s own passport. Why can’t more news stories have morals to them?

It turns out, however, that this story may not be true at all. Purveyor of video games and fan boy mediator Kotaku recently pointed out that there are several anomalies seen in the photo of a passport defaced by a child that bring its authenticity into question, such as:

• all key identification (name, passport number) completely eradicated
• passport photograph also altered to hide identity
• ink lines retain same pixel width throughout
• ink drawings retain a flat plane inconsistent with the bending of the paper in a three-dimensional space (a la MS Paint)
• no smearing on a document with a gloss covering
• ink markings fly off right side of page into space
• immaculate detailing of a flower judged too advanced for a four year-old child

Have a look for yourself:

These all appear to be good points, though that last one seems a little harsh; after all, we are talking about Chinese children. Are children from other parts of the world able to detain their parents at customs with such artistic bombastic aplomb? We suppose we’ll need to allow an independent international body like UNICEF to settle that issue.

Kotaku’s Brian Ashcraft points out the story may have been inspired by a similar case published earlier this year in which a Chinese man was also detained in South Korea when his passport was defaced by his son.

But if that is the case, and this story is proven to be a hoax, then how will people of the world learn this important life lesson?

Photos: Kotaku

Now that there are more guns on the streets of China, we can expect police to use these firearms in a greater capacity than they did when firing warning shots to break up a brawl in Guangzhou. But the question remains: what do you do if a police officer points a gun at you and issues you commands in Chinese?

It could be that this police officer speaks excellent English, and will use this as an opportunity to practice his rusty English skills. However, we still think that there as a resident in a locality where police have guns, the onus is upon you to understand what they are saying.

We can only hope that such an occasion will never come to pass, but if you ever get into such a predicament, we’d suggest you to follow their commands. Based upon our observations of years of Western TV police dramas, here are the phrases that you would hear when a police officer is pointing a gun at you:

1. 不许动 (Bù xǔ dòng): “Don’t move!” The equivalent to our “Freeze!” which doesn’t have the same connotation in Chinese.

2. 你被捕了 (Nǐ bèi bǔ le): “You’re under arrest.” If this is preceded by #1, make #1 the overriding command instead of this one.

3. 把手放在头上 (Bǎ shǒu fàng zài tóu shàng): “Put your hands on your head.” A tailor may also tell you this when measuring your waist.

4. 转身，退后 (Zhuǎnshēn, tuì hòu): “Turn around, walk backwards.” This phrase can also come in handy if the person on the other line has gotten lost and can’t tell where they are.

5. 把身份证拿出来 (Bǎ shēnfèn zhèng ná chūlái): “Take out your identification.” While your visa may have gotten you out of trouble before, it doesn’t always mean it will.

Bonus: 这不是我的事 (Zhè bùshì wǒ de shì): “I don’t care.” Only relevant if you’re being chased by a one-armed man and you want to tell Chinese Tommy Lee Jones that you didn’t kill your wife.

Chinese cops should be fans of Law & Order—there must be a Chinese Lennie Brisco somewhere. But we didn’t include “Why do they always run?” because it isn’t technically a command.

We don’t have a translation for Miranda rights.

Photo: dzwww

A Guizhou man has been sentenced to death by Guangzhou Central Court after he stabbed a prostitute to death, Southern Metropolis Daily reports. After the sentence was announced, Wang Mingping explained that he was just trying to teach her a lesson for the immoral behaviour of prostitution.

On May 18 2011 Wang went into a corner shop and bought a fruit knife claiming that he needed it to cut fruit while working a night shift. Early for work, Wang decided to pass the time by amusing himself with a prostitute. He went to a narrow lane in the city’s Baiyun District where there were seven or eight ladies of the night. He offered 60 yuan for one and went off with her.

After they had had sex, the prostitute turned her back on him and began to get dressed, casually throwing the condom away.

“After putting on my clothes, I suddenly realised that I found this prostitute to be a hateful person,” said Wang.

Wang picked up the fruit knife and wrestled the prostitute to the ground. While she struggled and screamed he stabbed her in the stomach. A passerby heard the screaming and started banging on the door. The prostitute was still breathing, so he slit her throat.

When the door was kicked down, Wang fled. The prostitute, Ah Hong, was still alive when the police arrived, but she had lost too much blood to be saved.

After Wang was caught, he initially claimed that he did not intend to kill her, but was trying to teach her a lesson. But the evidence became irrefutable when it was shown that he slit her throat when she was still screaming for help.