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Today being American Thanksgiving (2012 edition), I figured I’d drag out an old rant that I wrote a few years ago during my first time here in China during the US holiday. I want to preface this post by saying that in no way do I hold any malice toward Americans (or Quebecois). I simply wrote this for the limited comedy value it provides.

I’ll try to keep this entry short, as I’ve been accused – and rightfully so – of drooling on like Cujo after eating a bar of soap. So today, being November 22nd, it’s American Thanksgiving. I stress the word AMERICAN. All of the Chinese staff, and even some of the laowai here at work, have been coming up to me all day long, and wishing me ‘happy Thanksgiving.’ That’s fine. I appreciate the fact that they’ve taken the time to care. But, unfortunately, being over here, no one really knows that the United States and Canada have separate Thanksgiving holidays. So, just to help out my good friends here in China, I’m going to draw up a short list of the differences between Canadians and Americans when it comes to our holidays…just so there’s no further confusion.

• We, as Canadians, don’t consider deep-frying a turkey a holiday tradition. Seriously, if you were to deep-fry a tire, I’m sure there would be a few Americans considering digging in!
• Our Thanksgiving holiday is not based on giving pox-filled blankets to unwitting natives. We just got ours drunk.
• Our national day holiday is July 1st, not July 4th. We didn’t bother fighting the British for our independence. We just pissed and moaned about it until the Queen got sick of listening to us!
• Christmas in Canada is shared on the same day as it is throughout the entire world. But, of course, the actual North Pole being in Canada gives us dibs on the premium gifts that fat bastard and his reindeer have to offer!
• We don’t have holidays to honor our dead leaders. In Canada, our Prime Ministers just settle into obscurity after misappropriating federal tax dollars.
• We don’t have an Arbor Day. Seriously, what the hell is that anyway?
• Martin Luther King is someone to be honored. Who the hell do we have? Rene Levesque. I don’t effin’ think so!
• Speaking of Quebec, they have their own separate holidays. But no one outside of Quebec really gives a crap about what Quebec does at this point anyway!
• Easter is celebrated in Canada. But we try to limit our intake of chocolate bunnies to less than two pounds over the holiday duration, unlike our hefty neighbors to the south.
• And yes, we do celebrate New Years. And to be quite honest, Peter Mansbridge doing the countdown on the CBC is about as exciting as watching paint dry at an insurance seminar. Dick Clark – who I’m convinced was Disney animatronics by the end – is no screamin’ hell either. But I still have to tip my hat to the Yanks on this one!