It’s widely accepted that Chinese born in the 1980s and 1990s are more open-minded than their parents, especially when it comes to relationships. After all, most of those parents grew up during a much more repressive period of China’s history, closed off from the rest of the world and subjected to harsher moral judgment. By contrast, their children grew up on a diet of Japanese cartoons and American movies, with infinitely more choices at the grocery store and more chances to study, travel, and broaden their horizons. Until recently, the older generation was still calling most of the shots, but their influence is now waning.Until recently, the older generation was still calling most of the shots, but their influence is now waning.

Divorce on the rise, and when people do get married, they’re waiting longer to do it. Yet this is not a sign of the death of romance, but its birth: Chinese are increasingly rejecting “good enough” marriages for the chance to date more before they settle down. “In sharp contrast to the country’s older generation, who always put their family’s interests ahead of everything, their offspring choose to stay in or leave a relationship largely of their own free will and feelings,” wrote the government-sponsored Women’s Studies Institute of China in an article about changing views of love and marriage. “Fewer young Chinese would compromise their own happiness for an unsatisfactory marriage simply to avoid losing face or embarrassing their parents.”

Other studies back this up. A recent survey by 2RedBeans, the largest dating site for Chinese living abroad, asked over 2,500 Chinese singles about their expectations for love and dating. The results showed that respondents had more liberal views than previous generations on issues like gender roles and dating norms. Q Zhao, the founder of 2RedBeans, believes the more progressive attitudes are a positive sign.  “In mainland China, at 27 or 28, you’re already a ‘leftover woman.’ If you’re that age and you come to the US or Canada, you realize you’re so young … so you don’t worry as much,” she said in an interview. “I think it’s a very good thing, they find out more about themselves, and they find people who actually match them very well to form a family. I think it’s the same for men.”

This trend towards waiting is especially pronounced among Chinese abroad, but it is not limited to that small percentage of China’s population. Young people there, especially in urban centers like Beijing and Shanghai, are dating more before they settle down. Apps like Momo – which is similar in function to Tinder – and other social media tools make it easier than ever for people to meet and explore their options. In the US, many have decried this trend – Vanity Fair recently ran a piece entitled “Tinder and the Dawn of the ‘Dating Apocalypse,'” exploring the costs associated with a culture of convenience. But Q of 2RedBeans said that new forms of dating played a more positive role in China. “Most Chinese are on the very conservative side of the spectrum, so I think they need to go toward the more open side,” she argued. “In general there needs to be a balance.”

In addition to waiting longer and dating more, Chinese young people are also looking for different traits in potential partners than their parents did. Increasingly, women are paying more attention to their partners’ looks, as evidenced by the rise of the slang term xiaoxianrou, which literally translates to “little fresh meat” and is a generally positive term for an attractive young man. The 2RedBeans survey showed that female respondents showed a stronger preference than in the past for more considerate, domestic partners, known as nuannan or “heating men,” as opposed to the professionally successful and aloof. Sisi, a Chinese journalist living in the US, also felt that her peers simply wanted more from a potential partner. “We already have at least master’s degrees, and we can feed ourselves,” she said. “So we are looking for more than a breadwinner of the family. I think being independent financially and psychologically gives us the luxury of waiting and picking the right one.”

It’s still no walk in the park for many Chinese young people. “The sad story is there are still a lot of pressure from families and society for women who are not married when they reach some certain age,” said Ming, a Chinese woman who moved to the US for graduate school in 2008 and has remained there, adding, “The good news is, I think this situation will change significantly when we assume our parents’ roles.”

“I think my generation is the transition generation,” Sisi agreed. “I’m very excited to see what the next generation does with more liberty and less judgment.”

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Public figures the world over are known to cite ancient Chinese wisdom when making their case – US Supreme Court Justice Kennedy recently cited Confucius in the ruling legalizing gay marriage there, while then-Secretary of State Hilary Clinton used a Chinese proverb from “The Art of War” during one visit to China. But Chinese humor, often derived from its vivid imagery, is usually left in the vernacular. The following are seven Chinese idioms which aren’t commonly used in English — yet — but should be, on topics ranging from infidelity to snobbery.

1. 脚踏两条船 (jiǎo tà liǎng tiáo chuán) “To stand with one’s feet on two different boats” – This is the Chinese phrase for someone who is in relationships with, or leading on, two different people at the same time. The closest idiomatic expression might be “two-timing,” but it lacks in imagery. It’s much easier to visualize some chump trying his hardest to balance with one foot in a canoe and another in a fishing boat before falling, some minutes later, into the icy lake of karma.
2. 睡得像死猪一样 (shuì de xiàng sǐ zhū yīyàng) “To sleep like dead pig” – A clear winner over its closest English equivalents, “to sleep like a log” and “to sleep like a rock.” The pig is dead. Don’t bother setting an alarm clock or calling it seven times to ask “Why are you late for the 10:00 am sales meeting??!?”
3. 有奶便是娘 (yǒu nǎi biàn shì niáng) “Whoever has milk is mom” – Opportunism, anyone? To my knowledge, there is no similar English idiom describing the attitude of shameless benefit-seeking in which the subject is willing to do anything for a Klondike bar, so to speak.
4. 一粒老鼠屎坏了一锅汤 (yī lì lǎo shǔ shǐ huài le yīguō tāng) “One piece of mouse shit spoiled a pot of soup” – This is the Chinese equivalent of “one bad apple can spoil the bunch.” Other variants of the saying have the mouse shit spoiling porridge instead – my guess is it doesn’t improve the flavor or nutritional value of either.
5. 挂羊头卖狗肉 (guà yang tóu mài gǒu ròu) “To hang up a sheep’s head but sell dog meat” – A slightly sneakier version of the “bait and switch.” You have to hand it to this culinary twist on “false advertising.”
6. 狗屎运 (gǒu shǐ yùn) Literally “dog-shit luck” – this phrase actually describes a great, not terrible, turn of events. This is a throwback to the days when, in rural China, people used excrement for fertilizer and there was not enough supply to meet demand. Dog shit could be sold for cold hard cash or used to grow crops, and either way, accidentally stepping in it was a source of joy, not sorrow.
7. 掉书袋 (diào shū dài) “Drop a sack of books” – To embellish one’s writing or speech with erudite references in order to seem smarter. The person engaged in this action probably thinks that his allusions to other authors are carefully contrived, but they’re more likely to be perceived as clunky and awkward – like an actual sack of books. This is also perhaps the best phrase to wrap up this listicle, lest readers be tempted to show off their knowledge of Chinese dog-shit idioms at the next cocktail party they attend.

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What does this have to do with China? Well, what Ms. Grande is accused of doing – and has fiercely denied – is not such a big deal there. In fact, it’s a flirting technique known as 撒娇 (sā jiāo) widely practiced in China (and elsewhere in Asia). One widely accepted definition of the term is “to harness loving care of one’s counterpart and unleash a coquettish, seductive, or charming front.” If it sounds warlike, that’s because sajiao is essentially a power play. It constructs and reinforces a relationship in which the person doing the sajiao requires something, and the object of the sajiao provides that thing – be it time, money, manual labor, or emotional reassurance.

This scene from the 2014 movie Everyone Loves Women Who Can Sajiao is a great, if exaggerated, example of the art:

Here, male lead Gong Zhiqiang has taken his new girlfriend, Hailey, out to dinner to meet his best friend, Zhang Hui. Hailey puts on a cutesy act until she finds out that the meat they are eating is rabbit, at which point she begins to cry – ultimately, Gong has to walk her home, comforting her all the way. In this short clip, Hailey hits many of sajiao highlights – her tone is sweet and girlish, her persona tender and overly sentimental, and she demonstrates an over-the-top reliance on her boyfriend. She’s also accomplished some more pragmatic aims: she has demonstrated to a potential romantic rival that she has first claim over her boyfriend’s time and concern, in the process stimulating her boyfriend’s protective instincts toward her and reinforcing the idea that she really needs him.

There are plenty of articles out there on sajiao in English, and most of them have a bone to pick with the practice, arguing that it reinforces outdated gender roles that relegate women to positions of powerlessness. Ironically, I’ve also heard more than one man complain that sajiao gives women too much power, because they know they’ll cave to virtually any demand when confronted with it.I’ve also heard more than one man complain that sajiao gives women too much power, because they know they’ll cave to virtually any demand when confronted with it. However, neither of these viewpoints captures the whole picture. Setting aside our misgivings about the practice, for a moment, let’s look at why sajiao happens, and why it might not be so bad:

1) There is a market for it. I doubt Ariana Grande has ever heard of sajiao, but years in the spotlight have likely taught her that she can get what she wants if she performs in a certain way. The fact that sajiao yields results is not lost on Chinese women either. Fashion magazines teach women how to do it and movies depict sajiao masters as irresistible sirens. Online, women wonder whether their inability to sajiao will negatively impact their romantic prospects, while at the same time complaining about women who are too good at it.

2) There is cultural precedent for it. I’m not talking about the gender roles it invokes, but the philosophical underpinnings of the interactions. Sun Tzu’s Art of War famously declares:

“All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when we are able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must appear inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near.”

Some forms of sajiao require women to feign immaturity, others involve speaking with overwhelming sweetness, and one of the most classic methods is strategic incapability – pretending a book is simply too heavy to carry, or a problem too difficult to solve. In essence, all of these flirting techniques are deception – though to be fair, they work only as long as their targets are willing to be deceived, or at least to go along with the act.

The Tao Te Ching, a philosophical text over two thousand years old, also promotes sajiao tactics. “On earth, nothing is as weak and soft as water,” reads chapter 78, “Yet nothing is its equal in attacking that which is hard and strong.” Sajiao often entails weakness, but this is only a phase preceding the accomplishment of its final aim – victory.

3) It can only take place between two willing participants. Lest anyone think I’m peddling a foolproof plan for man-manipulation, let me clarify: sajiao can only be successful if the target is open to the interaction; otherwise it merely results in awkward silence or incredulous laughter.

Much like improv, sajiao is a form of role-play that requires adherence to the “Yes, and” principle – that is, when one party delivers her lines or plays her part, the responding party is not supposed to challenge the groundwork that has already been laid. Essentially, the game is being played within the confines dictated by the person who brings the scene to life. Fail to adhere by these rules, and the fun comes to an end rather quickly.

4) It’s not just for women anymore. As younger people in China and elsewhere become more tolerant of each others’ differences, men are beginning to sajiao too. Instead of seeking to stamp out this form of flirting, proponents of equality between the sexes might benefit more from promoting it to a broader range of practitioners.

Survey says:

Not everyone in China likes sajiao – but most feel it’s normal, acceptable, and even fun. At least, that’s what I learned from reading responses to a questionnaire I distributed to about 50 Chinese people online. Though short and certainly not scientific, the survey made it easier for me to better understand the whys of the phenomenon.

A far as men sajiaoing, respondents were split in their opinions. Some said it was effective, others found it repulsive or said it gave them “goosebumps.” Many stated that it depended heavily on how good looking the person in question was, a sentiment echoed by male respondents. Clearly, there remains prejudice against men playing the cutesy card, but it’s more widely accepted than it was a generation ago. Chinese society is becoming more tolerant, and it’s likely that these transgressions of traditional gender roles will only grow more common.

Concerning cultural ties, an overwhelming majority stated that sajiao was not just a Chinese thing. One respondent cited Audrey Hepburn and Taylor Swift as masters of it, while others said that American sajiao was different only in style, not substance. At least half said the sajiao was part of “human nature” or something that all people did naturally, regardless of their nationality.

Personally, I don’t believe that sajiao is in anyone’s DNA, but I also don’t think the practice is more unnatural than any other. As Judith Butler famously said, gender itself is performative, and sajiao is just another kind of performance. Much of the hate people have for sajiao is not for the practice itself, but its wholesale adoption in place of a personality or set of principles. When you can take it on and off like a coat, though, it’s just another kind of flirting – one that’s admittedly not for everyone.

Regarding the ultimate purpose of sajiao, most women surveyed said they did it to get their boyfriends to do things for them and also to strengthen their relationships – importantly, these were not seen as mutually exclusive. Sajiao practitioners seem to have realized the truth of the Benjamin Franklin effect – that people seem to be more predisposed to like you if they have done you favors, even more so than if you had done them favors.

Not everyone believes that sajiao strengthens relationships. “Sa jiao is pretty much the epitome of nearly every negative stereotype about the needy girlfriend,” writes Jessica Larson-Wang in her article on the subject, “so it is little wonder that many Western men have trouble accepting it.” Others have expressed dissatisfaction with what the practice represents on a societal level. “It’s all about reinforcing a power dynamic that many Westerners would view as bizarre, or at least a bit old-fashioned,” argues Michael Hurwitz in another explainer of the phenomenon. Someone who believes a relationship should be based on mutual respect and equality may have a hard time wrapping their head around their significant other playing the role of an unreasonable child, even temporarily.

While some Westerners may be opposed to sajiao because of their desire for equality, I believe that much of the dislike for it also stems from a fear of entanglement, the idealization of independence even when it is isolating. In the US, we tend to want to keep things “even” in our relationships, to avoid owing anyone anything, even as we have, on average, far more credit card debt than our Chinese counterparts. In other cultures – including, but not limited to China’s – people are more willing to depend on each other, and this often strengthens existing bonds. A closer look at sajiao may show us more about the phenomenon than we might expect – and perhaps more about ourselves as well.

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